Today is my last day in the office for a while. I have been a mindless secretary in order to build a nest egg to pay for a return to college. The egg is nested (though sadly not as rotund as I had hoped) and I start my course in two weeks' time. I have made two very great friends at this firm and I will be sad to leave our lunches and wanderings around the City behind.
I will not, however, be sad to leave the monotony, the assumptions of stupidity, the slowly explained instructions for perfectly simple tasks, the humdrum and office politics. I am looking forward with pencilcase loads of trepidation to the beginning of a new life. I'm also terribly anxious. I spent two of my three years as an undergraduate as a not very happy bunny. I developed pretty severe depression under the pressure I put myself under, coupled with a rather nasty breakup and some rather flaky housemates.
This time around I'm very aware of the impression I want to give and the impression I give to people when I'm aware of myself. These things are often at opposite ends of the spectrum of sane. I overanalyse to the nth degree and worry. And I'm going into overload at the moment. Everyone wants me to be excited about the course and I just can't muster it. All I can muster is abject fear and trepidation. I have no idea what to expect, in terms of the structure of the day, the spectrum of the students, the societies, whether I will fit in or feel ancient, and it all terrifies me. I am turning into a 'hornbeast' as I call it, snapping at anyone and moody to everyone. The cartoon above popped into my inbox yesterday and has stayed with me ever since. I am truly terrified that the current nastiness spewing forth from my mouth is not just the horrid effects of nerves and anxiety but a demonstration of the development of my personality.
I read Dorian Gray the other day. Perhaps it will start showing on my face if I am actually changing as a person. Maybe one day...
No comments:
Post a Comment